In the midst of writing up all of my Edinburgh Fringe posts I was invited to see Kevin Hart at the O2 Arena. Although I’m not a fan of his movies this is a man whose stand-up has been mentioned in the same sentence as the likes of Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock. With that in mind it would have been ‘irresponsible’ (ha!) for me not to go.

It turns out that not only should Kevin Hart NEVER be mentioned in the same sentence as those three comedy legends he doesn’t even belong in the same book, and perhaps not even in the same library!

Doors for the show opened at 5.30pm for a 7pm start (listed as ‘Kevin on stage’). At 6.58pm we were still being held in queues and no member of staff seemed to know why. We eventually reached our seats, which were great, but still had almost an hour to wait before anyone appeared on stage. For that hour we were repeatedly informed by staff, tannoy announcer and big-screen visuals that if we used our phones in ANY way we would be escorted from the arena without refund. We were also informed that talking would not be accepted during the performance.

As a fan of stand-up comedy this last rule pisses me off even more than the ridiculous phone restrictions. With any decent comic you heckle at your own risk, you are entering their play pen, they are a lion and you are a steak. It was a risk.

Comedians like Jimmy Carr live off hecklers, it’s often the funniest part of their show. both Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy deal expertly with hecklers in their own stand-up movies. For a comic of this reputation to be scared of an audience heckle is frankly pathetic. Amy Schumer was one of the most recent to stomp her feet and throw a tantrum over this practice and I am astonished that someone as confident as Kevin Hart would resort to doing the same.

Over an hour after the show was supposed to start we get the support acts, Joey Wells, Spank Horton and  Na’im Lynn. Where do I start with these three? You know when an insecure bride picks her least threatening bridesmaids and then dresses them up in bin bags just to make herself look deceptively better-looking by comparison? That pretty much sums the situation up.

At the end of the support act we had to do something that I had never been asked to do before. We, as an audience, had to fake laugh for the cameras, we then had to fake ‘big laugh’ and applaud and finally we had to perform a fake standing ovation. We were told that this was because we were making a TV special and it was just what you do. I have been to the filming of DVDs for Lee Evans, Jimmy Carr, Eddie Izzard and Ed Byrne and I have NEVER been asked to do anything like this. It was the biggest joke of the night. Hey Kevin, here is a tip, if you want a standing ovation, EARN a standing ovation like every other clown.

It was now time for the main event. This began with a trailer for Kevin’s new movie and then a trailer-style build up telling us just how funny he was and how many copies of his past stand-up routines were in the top 10 best sellers… NEWS FLASH, the Spice Girls have more number one hits than Elvis or Frank Sinatra, this does not make them better. The best way to convince us that you are funny is to make us laugh, not to blind us with statistics.

The show finally began and I can honestly say that it was one of the worst sets I have ever seen and easily the worst on a platform of this magnitude – screaming is not a punchline. This was humor of the lowest common denominator: sex, shit and failed orgasm gags feature prominently. And yet this was not actually the worst part of the performance.

At no point in this show did Kevin try to relate to the audience, in fact he didn’t even really look at us. He was always playing to the four main cameras doted around the stage and every reaction was tee’d up and pre-arranged. When Chris Rock played The Hammersmith Apollo in 2008 he actually went to the Comedy Store in Leicester Square a few nights before and asked to do an unplanned 5 minutes… he died. He spoke to the other comics, found out what hadn’t worked and where his references were off. He came back the next night after reworking the same material and killed! He was ready for a London audience and his Apollo show was fantastic. That is what a real clown does.

For my final comment I want to highlight something that is just truly scandalous. For the price of the cheapest Kevin Hart ‘stuck in the gods’ ticket for this night (£57.50 + booking fee) I could have bought a ticket for each of the 4 best shows that I saw at the Fringe this year and still had money left for a few drinks.

It is irresponsible for me to call this man a clown, but this total charade of a show was indeed a joke.

Clown Stars: *

@The O2 Arena, London